SATIRE
All the outrageous news fit for publication on April 1st.
By Newest Staff Member
The Red Car
Colorado at Oakland (Photo – George Krambles/OERM)
City workers laid down train tracks on a section of Colorado Boulevard early Monday morning, as a tribute to the Red Car that once graced the famous Boulevard.
The Red Car will be on display for one day (April 1st) and it will be parked in the Pasadena Playhouse District (PDA), between Madison and Oakland, adjacent to the Pasadena Presbyterian Church. Old Pasadena Management District contested the PDA location, saying the car should be located in their district instead. The protest letter cited the presence of the Red Car in Old Pasadena (old town) as a great way to relieve parking in front of stores.
Pasadena Police issued a warning for motorists and pedestrians to be on the lookout for members from the “Desperate Housewives of Pasadena” club protesting the Red Car and any innovative idea that might be planned in the future for the famous Boulevard.
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Under the Bridge
Colorado Street Bridge in Pasadena (Photo – W.K.)
Officials from Pasadena’s tourism office announced various sightings of Bigfoot under the Colorado Street Bridge on Monday morning.
The mythical creature was seen wearing a T shirt with a “Trump 2020” logo, while holding a sign in support of the Big Dig.
Bigfoot was seen handing out white chocolate to hikers while shouting “All Chocolates Matter!” before disappearing into the thick vegetation.
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Helicopters
Pasadena City Hall dome (Photo – ColoradoBlvd.net).
If you woke up to the sounds of helicopters swarming the skies of Downtown Pasadena, that’s because an airplane had ‘mistakenly’ entered the no-fly zone above the famous City Hall.
Mayor Terry Tornek, along with few city employees who braved the chilly weather of 69 degrees and showed up to work on Monday morning, were rushed to a secret bungalow located in the Bungalow Heaven area. They were given the clearance to emerge out of hiding around 10:30 am.
Sources close to Mayor Tornek hinted at a possible connection to a future mayoral candidate piloting the small plane! Pasadena Chief of Police, John Eduardo Perez, refused to confirm or release the identity of the pilot. Former Mayor Bill Bogaard was seen taking video of the airplane.
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Missing Pasadena
Screenshot of announcement (Photo – UCLA Newsroom online)
Former Pasadena City Manager Michael Beck, who became UCLA’s administrative vice chancellor on March 1st, 2016, expressed fondness for his days working in Pasadena.
In an interview with the local Fox News affiliate, Beck reminisced about his days at City Hall by saying: “Where else can you have an embezzlement going on for many years without being detected?”
Beck added that he’s very happy working at UCLA. His duties include overseeing buildings and grounds, student housing and dining facilities, public safety and a broad range of other support services and operations. In an unrelated news story, UCLA has since hired an auditing company to keep an eye on expenditures of the school’s buildings and grounds, student housing and dining facilities, public safety and a broad range of other support services and operations!
A source close to current City Manager, Steve Mermell, who held the position of Assistant City Manager at the time of the embezzlement, said: “Every cloud has a…”
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Three days in advance
Pre-service teachers perform the straw rocket demonstration during MUREP’s Educator Institute held at JPL (Photo – NASA/JPL-Caltech)
A joint team of Caltech and JPL scientists have announced the creation of the first seismic device that can detect earthquakes up to three days in advance.
The device will be rolled out as a free pilot program to various cities in the San Gabriel Valley, including Pasadena, Altadena, Sierra Madre, and San Gabriel.
San Marino and South Pasadena will be excluded from the current version or any other future updates. No explanation was given on why the two cities were excluded. Editors of San Marino Tribes and South Pasadena Revision blamed the slight on South Pasadena’s ‘evil liberal’ and ‘female’ mayor, Marina Khubesrian.
Alhambra’s newsletter In and Out Alhambra announced that the City Council has allocated $110,000 for representatives from the Chamber of Commerce to purchase the free device.
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Our Newest Staff Member used to work for the garment industry and is pretty familiar with the practices of wage theft. Prior to working for us, he briefly worked for the Pasadena Yesterday (PY) blog, inflating readership numbers and adding a dizzying load of crap disguised as “news”. He was let go from PY and was replaced by a “writer” from the Philippines tasked with “covering” local stories. Newest Staff Member then briefly worked for the Facebook for Old People publication, displaying photos of the “1 % wannabe” population of nearby cities. Newest Staff Member hopes someday to be able to cover real news.
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