REFLECTIONS
Montgomery Woods (Photo – en.wikipedia.org).
I sat beside my beloved Robert as he took his last breath. The hospice bed he lay in had held him only a few hours…
By Maggie Yenoki
His oncologist had withheld his release to hospice care far too long; as if she were a family member refusing to sign a DNR. Constant infusions of positive talk and hopeful treatments required that we look toward recovery, rather than prepare for death. Hope for recovery didn’t allow us to speak of death or consider the end of life as a way toward healing. Hope of recovery was held too tightly. Hope robbed us of the opportunity to experience and embrace his death in a way that was conscious and peaceful.
As he released his spirit, I didn’t know how to leap from the outcome we hoped for into this new experience as his widow. Our newly-married life fell away and crumbled onto the floor; so did my heart.
A home funeral
If only I’d known
Somehow, amid the fog of shifting realities and the weight of crushing grief, the detailed instructions from the hospice team surfaced in my thoughts. I understood that I was to call them after he died. “Just call us…” they said, as their vow to take care of everything.
If only I’d known what that call would give rise to, I would have decided very differently.
If only I’d known that I didn’t have to call upon strangers to come into our home, declare his life over, carry off my beloved in a zipped black bag – to a place I’d never been. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. If only I’d known I didn’t need to have him snatched away.
If only I’d known that there are trained, professional, Home Funeral Guides and Death Midwives available to help us care for our beloved ones after their death.
If only I’d known about Home Funerals.
Home funeral tradition is gaining track
A tradition regaining popularity
Home Funerals are not a new trend, but instead a tradition that is regaining popularity as a viable and valuable option for families who wish to take care of their loved ones after death. The reemergence of Home Funerals is a reclaiming of a sacred tradition after many years of domination by the funeral industry. Home Funerals honor family bonds and create a safe atmosphere where expressions of love and loss can be embodied and expressed while offering care and honor for the body of a loved one after death.
Dokan Mountain at Sunrise (Photo – commons.wikimedia.org).
Comfort, Guidance and Support
Death Midwives are available to assist with the creation of a good death (conscious dying) experience. The work of the Death Midwife reflects the work of a Birth Midwife in that comfort, guidance, and supportive presence are provided in the end of life, just as in its beginning. The Death Midwife often works with the dying person to explore meaning and help them to express and alleviate fears and concerns. Other tasks may include assistance with choices and planning for the funeral ceremony, the disposition of the body (burial, cremation) and follow-up with surviving loved ones for grief support.
If only I’d known… and now, I’m glad you do.
Maggie Yenoki received her Master of Divinity degree from Drew Theological School. She enjoys embracing newlywed life with her husband George. She loves serving those at the end-of-life, and is becoming certified as a Death Midwife and Home Funeral Guide.
I know our funeral director socially and like him very much. I have no complaints! But I could see how hard his staff was tasked to whisk the body away as swiftly and secretively as possible, as if my father’s death was something we had to “put behind us” in an hour or so. I don’t think so! If a family can take back control of the process, I am all for it, and I am grateful to my family for the control that we did take.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts Julie. We share a deep respect for the work of Funeral Directors, especially the many independent homes that provide grieving loved ones guided participation at a level they desire.