A buddy of mine once asked some friends each to send him two songs for a personalized mix CD people could “get it on” to. I guess if you’re randy enough, you can get it on while listening to just about anything. Or can you?
By Mark Tapio Kines
This list is inspired by a story my girlfriend told me about kissing someone, when suddenly the theme from Ghostbusters came on the radio. I realized then that there are some songs guaranteed to kill the mood. (And by this I mean real pop songs, not Sesame Street tunes or avant-garde noise fests.) These 9 songs fit the bill. Spin them in your bachelor/ette pad and suffer a sex-free night.
1- “We Are the World”
Just thinking about this mawkish anthem’s endlessly repeating chorus makes my weener shrink. Or am I wrong here? Does Cyndi Lauper’s “Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA!” get everybody else all tingly?
2- “Candle in the Wind ’97”, Elton John
(Sir Elton’s) hurried rewrite of his ’70s classic, meant to honor the dead Princess Diana at her funeral, may be for necrophiliacs only.
3- “Yellow Submarine”, The Beatles
Why is it that only Ringo only got to sing children’s songs for the band? Was this all a joke played on the humble drummer by his snickering bandmates?
4- “Monster Mash”, Bobby “Boris” Pickett
This novelty hit from 1962 isn’t even fun at Halloween parties anymore.
5- “Kokomo”, The Beach Boys
Long after Brian Wilson left the Beach Boys, so too did any semblance of songwriting integrity. Sad thing is, the more I think about it, the more I realize that back in the late ’80s (and maybe even today), some sad yuppie types actually did get it on to “Kokomo”. Likely while drunk on wine coolers.
6- “Born in the U.S.A.”, Bruce Springsteen
Maybe the ’80s was just an unsexy decade in general. (e.g., “Walk of Life,” “Don’t Pay the Ferryman,” et al.) Young’uns, lest you think it was all about New Wave, I will tell you a frightening tale or two about Rave home perms, shoulder pads for women, and acid wash jeans with blown-out knees.
7- “Me and a Gun”, Tori Amos
Though not exactly a hit, this a capella song about Amos’s rape gained notoriety for its subject matter. If your sweetie wants to kiss you while this song is playing, run away.
8- “Birdhouse in Your Soul”, They Might Be Giants
I don’t believe They Might Be Giants has recorded a single sexy song in their entire career. It would be like doing it to something by Weird Al Yankovic. Even geeks couldn’t manage it.
9- “Hold on to the Night”, Richard Marx
If this one genuinely makes you feel romantic, I may need to stage a Barry White intervention to help you get your mojo back.
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